The Kabbalah Cleaning Service

As many of you have heard, pop diva Madonna, along with husband Guy Ritchie, have been lobbying the British government to use a powerful Kabbalah fluid to clean up radioactive waste.

The couple, both followers of the Jewish spiritual movement Kabbalah, approached Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels , promoting an idea on a way to clean up radioactive waste using a "mystical" liquid which has already been tested successfully in a Russian lake. This very special water according to Kabbalah beliefs, “can receive magic healing powers through meditation and the consciousness of sharing”. That sounds very reasonable and logical to the Atheologist. But why would the “Material Girl” limit this magic cleaning solution to only cleaning up radioactive waste.

Why stop there? The world has so many other pesky problems that also need addressing. The Atheologist can think of a few: How about using it for that cloudy pool water, as a mouthwash for those, ‘bad breath germs’, that mildew problem in the bathroom that you can’t seem to get rid of, cleaning computer keyboards, ring around the collar and our Sicilian friends may be interested in using it to removing those annoying blood stains from the carpeting.

The Atheologist has a few suggestions on what to name this cleansing wonder. How about, ‘True Blue’ or ‘Like a Prayer’ or so there’s no beating around the bush, ‘Cleaning and Radioactivity de-Actifying Kabbalah Powered Treatment Solution’, or “CRAKPOTS” for short.

Mel Gibson In Rehab

Mel Gibson entered a rehab program after his arrest on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, his publicist said Monday.
The Australian-raised actor-director's publicist, Alan Nierob, told AP that Gibson, 50, was in bad shape and very sorry for the alleged bad judgment he made when he allegedly drove his car while he was allegedly drunk.
But Gibson's alleged outburst, which included a comment that "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world", has caused public outrage. Gibson already had been accused of anti-Semitism in his movie, The Passion of the Christ. For some, his alleged drunken tirade confirmed the allegations were true.
But Gibson’s publicist has relayed a second apology from Gibson stating that he never meant for anyone to hear what he had said about the Jews and that goes double for those, “Jews For Jesus”, Hebes - the Christ killers who obviously have mended their ways.

The Atheologist suspects that being the devout Christian that he is, at least he won't struggle, (like an atheist would), with that part of the 12 steps concerning acceptance of a higher power.

The Atheologist

The Mouse Story

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I will pray for you.
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose. I will remember you in my prayers tonight.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows that you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, what is the moral of this story?
Some may say that since we are all involved in this journey called life, we must keep an eye out for each other and make an extra effort to help one another.
OK that’s pretty good, but the Atheologist thinks that the real moral to this story is this: The next time you hear of someone who is facing a problem and you pray for them, don’t forget to pray for yourself first!

The Atheologist

Bush And The NAACP

For the first time since he took office, President Bush , yesterday, engaged in his first address to the NAACP at their 97th annual convention.
He had turned down their invitations since becoming president, and looked like he could become the first sitting president since the 1920s to refuse to address the NAACP.
It went as well as one would have expected and towards the end of the 33-minute speech, the president made the cut sign under his chin and several Secret Service personnel went through the crowd asking all reporters and news men and women to turn off all of their audio and video equipment. What happened next? Well luckily the Atheologist was able to aquire the transcript of what the president said, from an annonomous friend who happened to be there and who happens to know shorthand. Here it is:

"I had to have y'all turn off your recording devices because I don't want to have the same thing happen to me like it did the other day when I was talking to that English guy and the "s" word slipped out of my mouth and was heard by billions of people around the world. I need to talk to all of you nice colored people as a fellow brother, hell, we're all brothers because we have the same father and you all know who I'm talking about.

As I said before and by the thunderous applause I received, I see that all you nice Negroes agree with me that we want a united America that is one nation under God. But what about those people who don't agree with us, what about the Atheists? Well here's what I have to say about them:

They don't know shit about Jesus.
Atheists think that their shit don't stink, but it does a lot.
They need to get their shit together.
They don't know it, but they're in deep shit when judgement day comes around.

Hey here's a riddle: How many dumb as shit Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. Do y'all get it? They're so shittin' stupid they don't know that you just have to turn the shittin' bulb to get it in. Get it? That's funny! Sister Condoleezza told me that one.

Anyway back to those Atheists. They should find a shitty country that wants them and move there, shit, they should take all of the Democrats and anti-war people with them too.

Did y'all know that there aren't any Atheists in foxholes? That's because they're all a bunch of cowards and when they know that the enemy is acomin' they shit their pants and run. I'm not makin' this shit up, these are facts.

I am pretty sure that there aren't any Allahites or Heebs here today so when I speak about God I know that we are on the same page. I'm talking about Jesus, our savior.
Now even though Jesus was white he loves all of you colored people equally, so God bless you all.

Now I have to go have some kind of a meeting about those pesky Arabs and Heebs and all of the problems that they're having. It's about time that they got their shit together. Hey, does anyone need a massage?

The Atheologist

Why Was The Atheologist Banned From This Blog?

A blog named, “A Lady's Ruminations", has banned the Atheologist from leaving comments. But why? The blog's main author, 'Lady Jane', according to her profile, is a very Conservative Republican, loves 'having a proper Tea', (Twinings). She also seems to love the Drudge Report, Fox News, President Bush, Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter and Jesus and is a devout Christian,(Catholic?), who hates liberals, Atheists, gays and the ACLU. In the header portion of this blog is a quote from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice: "Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.”. The Atheologist was curious to know what that meant and asked this:

"Your blog's header has this quote: "Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.”,
I would like to know if Jane is referring to the feeling of her right breast which was firm when she felt it and if so, when will she let us know how her left breast’s firmness compares to her right one's? "

Shortly thereafter, when the Atheologist tried to place another comment on this blog, he got: "Banned by webmaster. Your comments will not be added".
What a bummer!

The Atheologist

*A note to ‘Lady Jane’:
Your Blog takes an awfully long time to load.
If I were you I would contact the Bacon Eating Atheist Jew. I remember that he had a similar problem with his blog and has rectified it.

The Persecution Of Star Jones

The Atheologist has acquired what he was told are transcripts of edited out parts of Star Jones’ recent 'Larry King Live' appearance. In these transcripts Star tells Larry that the 'American Atheists' organization and other Atheist groups are responsible for her departure from ‘The View’. Here is a section from the transcripts:

Star Jones Reynolds: It was the Godless, pro-slavery, Payless Shoes boycotting, Atheists that are responsible, and they had it planned for a long time.

Larry King: Why would they? How could they, accomplish that?

Star Jones Reynolds: They are very mad at me for pointing out that an Atheist should never be elected as president of this country. Those Atheists must have done some kind of devil worship, sacrifice ritual, which put a curse on me and caused me to go from a plump curvy beautiful woman of color, into a shriveled up skinny hag, which is the main reason that I got kicked off the show. I did not have gastric bypass surgery! I swear!
Everyone knows that Atheists are one of the most powerful and sinister groups in this country, topped only by the Israeli lobby and Oprah. Barbara (Walters) is a very evil person, probably an Atheist. But everyone will see that Jesus has my back and something very bad will happen to Barbara and probably Rosie too in the near future.

Could this be true? And why were these parts edited from the show? How can a "Live" show be edited? The Atheologist has more questions than answers it seems.
But the Atheologist has not received a reply from 'American Atheists' regarding this matter, which practically confirms that they had a hand in Star Jones’ downfall.

The Atheologist

The Power Of Prayer

Since the high price of gasoline puts a big burden on individuals and the economy, the Atheologist would like to thank everyone who participated in prayer vigils back in April and May. We are now seeing the results at the pumps. In the Atheologist's neck of the woods prices for regular gas have not been above $3.00 in a long time. The Atheologist actually paid $2.839 the other day.

Obviously then, prayer does work. Look at how much money and time was wasted on studies such as this one which supposedly showed that praying is a useless endeavor. Some people won’t be convinced until God grows back a missing limb or organ through the power of prayer. Can you believe that? Maybe those people should ride their bikes or walk to work from now on.

With his wedding anniversary coming up in a few months, the Atheologist is also very thankful that the price of gold, (look at the chart below!), has been dropping since those good people started their gasoline prayers. It seems that God doesn’t differentiate between commodities.


(Luckily the Mrs. doesn’t read the Atheologist’s blog or it would ruin the surprise. She thinks that she’s getting flowers and a Dunkin Doughnuts gift card.)

The Atheologist