Happy Fat Tuesday

It’s Fat Tuesday in The Crescent City, The Big Easy, The City That Care Forgot, The City That Bush Tried To Forget, Nawlins, NOLA. ..etc,  happy Mardi Gras to all.

Although this is usually a happy and fun time, the Atheologist has been alarmed at several recent news stories involving deaths attributed to Voodoo candles, which are very popular in New Orleans.

 In Brooklyn, NY a fire was accidentally set during a Voodoo-Sex ritual, which killed a woman. Another woman was killed in England when a Voodoo candle set her robe on fire and an elderly man also died from burns he received while lighting Voodoo candles, (also known as votive candles), in a church on Long Island, NY.

The Atheologist wishes all y’all a happy Mardi Gras, have a Hurricane for me, but remember to be careful around your Voodoo candles. And when lighting them in church watch your back because there are some frisky priests around who may mistake you for a cute little altar boy, and you may find yourself wondering, “who dat, knockin’ at my back door?”

The Atheologist

The Body of Christ

More proof of God's existence and power came to light when it was discovered that communion hosts which were consumed at a Long Island NY church on Christmas day included hepatitis A.

For centuries the debate has raged on - is the holy host just a symbol of, or does it, (as the Church says), actually become the flesh of Jesus during the communion service.

Atheists and most Jews have said over and over that they want poof and now they have it.
 

Here's the proof: When the Communion hosts were transformed at Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church into the flesh of God's only son, the hepatitis virus that he must have contracted early in his youth also came along for the ride. A quick online search of the bible and YouTube found nothing stating that Jesus never had the disease.

To summarize: The original host, (Jesus) transubstantiated into the Communion host, then the Communion host became the intermediate host which passed the virus to human congregant hosts. The Atheologist, also being an amateur biologist, finds this totally plausible.

The Atheologist is now waiting for a rebuttal from the atheists. The Atheologist can hear them now, saying that they don't believe in heaven, hell, hepatitis or anything that begins with an, "H" for that matter.

The diocese's website, meanwhile, states that "We pray that no one comes down with this virus or catches any of our priests being naughty with any of our adorable little altar boys"

PS: According to the latest Pew Foundation survey , 45% of Catholics, are not aware of what they're supposed to believe they're eating when the host is popped into their mouths. This should wake them up!

The Atheologist

Atheist Fools

The Atheologist recently received the following in e-mail from a co-worker:

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLIDAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring," Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
HOORAY FOR THAT JUDGE

What a cute little story that is, (although many atheists will scoff at being called, ‘fools’). The Atheologist has in fact discovered many YouTube videos which actually try to depict atheists as being wise rather than foolish beings. In this and this video, for example, atheists such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Ernest Hemmingway, Carl Sagan and Marie Curie among others are presented.

The Atheologist wonders - if these people were allegedly so smart why they had such a hard time picking out a religion. With so many hundreds of religions and gods to choose from, any dummy should be able to find one to his or her liking.

And you atheists out there, don’t dare point the Atheologist to the “Snopes” website which states that the above court case never happened because Snopes also states that Einstein never humiliated one of his college professors or that another college professor never dropped a piece of chalk or that a Marine never knocked out a college professor. In fact, if an atheist perused the ‘Snopes’ website, especially the, 'glurge', section, for any length of time, that atheist may come to believe that college professors don’t exist either.


Very Important:  If you don't send the above e-mail to at least 56,000 friends in the next 95 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhea will land on your head this afternoon and the fleas from 18 camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to the Atheologist's mother-in-law's friend’s second cousin’s husband's barber.


The Atheologist

Stairway To Heaven

The other day the Atheologist was walking up one of the stairwells at his place of employment, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted something. There lying on the landing floor was a very familiar image, it was the likeness of Jesus fashioned from paint chips which had fallen off the stairwell wall. To the unimaginative or mentally stable person, they were simply paint chips arranged in a random design. But to the Atheologist it was a holy vision. Just look at his smile, it’s no wonder he’s known as ‘the light of the world’!

Now many atheists would question why God would do such a thing – tip to atheists; don’t question God, he doesn’t like it! As far as the Atheologist can tell, this is the first time our Lord has shown himself using paint chips as his media. There have been numerous occasions when Jesus, Mary and other religious celebrities have shown themselves in grilled cheese sandwiches, windows, underpasses, wood panels and even Cheetos, but never out of peeling paint.

Should anyone wish to view this miraculous icon, please contact the Atheologist who, (for a paltry $50.00 tour fee), will escort a limited number of pilgrims to this secret site. Those pilgrims of Mexican descent may bring a bottle of Tezon Blanco Tequila in lieu of the aforementioned charge. (That stuff is amazing and will aid the Atheologist in his quest for similar religious iconic experiences).
But please hurry before the maintenance crew sweeps the stairwell.

The Atheologist

Oh Tannenbaum, Your Branches Green Delight Us! Or Do They?

This is the time of year when a lot of people think that it’s cute to erect an artificial or real tree in their living rooms and decorate it with lights, knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. But is this really such a good idea?
According to the Bible, it is not, and Bible seems pretty clear in its prohibition
– Jeremiah 10:

"Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel : Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen.For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest,the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.They deck it with silver and with gold…”.

Now every true Christian knows that only pagans, atheists, devil worshipers and pretend Christians would even think of ignoring God’s wishes. Like the wearing clothing made from the wrong combination of fabrics or cooking a young goat in its mother’s milk.

The Atheologist recently corresponded with one such pretend Christian.The Atheologist recieved an e-mail from the Coffee Bean Corral which along with updates on their latest coffee bean selections, declared that unlike those cowardly individuals and businesses who choose to call a "Christmas" tree a "holiday" tree, the Coffee Bean Corral never would. They also had a link to the, ‘real story of Christmas’.
The Atheologist quickly shot out the following email informing them of their serious transgression.

Hello to everyone at the Coffee Bean Corral, I was at first delighted to see that you celebrate the holidays by telling the real story of Christmas. But then I read about how you refuse to call a “Christmas tree” a “holiday tree”. Any true Christian would know that the ritual of decorating a tree or God forbid, bringing one into the house, is a Pagan practice and forbidden by God.

The Atheologist then suggested that if in fact they were real Christians at the Coffee Bean Corral, they should pay more attention to what was written in the Bible, repent and maybe cutting down on their caffeine ingestion would help.The Atheologist quickly received this reply from one Terry A. Richards of the Coffee Bean Corral:

"Last evening I went to Jeremiah and read this passage. At the time this happened the people were taking the tree inside and worshipping the tree as their god. I only worship one GOD and he is the true GOD.
I have no need to repent at least not concerning a tree."

Oh really Terry “A.” Richards. Does the “A” happen to stand for atheist or antichrist? Which is it?

The Atheologist urges all of you good and true Christians who wish to remain good and true to never bring any sort of shrubbery into the house and never, ever call a "holiday" tree a "Christmas" tree. Jesus will thank you for it and possibly not send you to hell. (Where to leave the gifts will be Santa's problem.)

PS: Some people suspect that Jesus and Santa may be one in the same individual - the beards, last names starting with "C", both become very popular around Christmas time, they both love children…etc. The Atheologist believes that this is just a coincidence though, and would much rather be on Santa’s naughty list than be on Jesus’. The Atheologist can deal with a lump of coal in his stocking or lousy gifts from Santa as opposed to having Jesus send him to hell to burn and be tortured for ever and ever for all eternity, (because he loves me).

The Atheologist

A Beautiful Service

This past weekend the Atheologist had the pleasure of attending a wedding of the son of a friend and neighbor. The highlight of the ceremony was not when the pastor pronounced the happy couple man and wife, or when he explained to the blissful pair that the only way to have a happy marriage is to make, not each other, nor your children, but Jesus #1 in your lives, no it was prior to that when a close family friend read a great verse from scriptures. It is from Ephesians 5:22-33:

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing…”

As the words were leaving the reader’s lips, the Atheologist noticed husbands in the pews elbowing their respective wives, most likely making sure that they were paying attention.
But the Atheologist noticed that not every husband in attendance was smirking or elbowing their respective Mrs.
Were these husbands not paying attention or could they have just been non believing atheists who somehow snuck into God’s house unnoticed? The Atheologist wondered if these and other atheists had any chance at having a long and happy marriage without the guidance that God provides through his holy rule book.

Then a strange thought popped into the Atheologist’s head - is it possible that some of them were now thinking to themselves that maybe this religion stuff had something going for it after all? Would this simple verse from scriptures suddenly open their eyes? God does work in mysterious ways and anything is possible.
So all you atheists out there, read the Bible. There’s a lot of stuff in it. All of you non-atheists, find an atheist to read the Bible to, they will really appreciate it.

Here are a few of the Atheologist’s favorite Bible parts concerning women: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:12-14 and Deuteronomy 21:11-14.

The Atheologist

Ohio Christian School Tells Student To Skip Prom

A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school in Findlay Ohio, that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, principal Tim England said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend tomorrow’s Findlay High School's prom.
Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year said principal Tim England, and he continued:

“When Tyler made the agreement with the school and God, he knew all about the terrible temptations that the secular world would unload upon him. We are only looking out for him. Those secular heathen atheistic students, who attend that secular atheistic heathen school, are very adept at dancing, kissing, alcohol drinking and sex. Tyler’s lack of experience in those areas would cause him great embarrassment and distress. We all know how narrow-minded those who attend those types of schools can be and wish to shield him from the unnecessary humiliation. Besides, although this so called, ‘prom’, will be under adult supervision, the so called supervisors are of course most likely, heathen, evil atheistic nonbelievers who are not worthy to stand before the Lord, and are therefore, by definition highly intolerant of those of us with much higher morals. And mother's day is coming up, so, happy mothers, day to all of you mothers out there; even Tyler’s skanky girlfriend’s mother”.

This situation is obviously based on similar incidents taken from the movie 'Footloose', and the Atheologist hopes that everyone sticks to the script so that a happy Hollywood ending will bring it to a close.

The Atheologist