Oh Tannenbaum, Your Branches Green Delight Us! Or Do They?

This is the time of year when a lot of people think that it’s cute to erect an artificial or real tree in their living rooms and decorate it with lights, knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. But is this really such a good idea?
According to the Bible, it is not, and Bible seems pretty clear in its prohibition
– Jeremiah 10:

"Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel : Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen.For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest,the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.They deck it with silver and with gold…”.

Now every true Christian knows that only pagans, atheists, devil worshipers and pretend Christians would even think of ignoring God’s wishes. Like the wearing clothing made from the wrong combination of fabrics or cooking a young goat in its mother’s milk.

The Atheologist recently corresponded with one such pretend Christian.The Atheologist recieved an e-mail from the Coffee Bean Corral which along with updates on their latest coffee bean selections, declared that unlike those cowardly individuals and businesses who choose to call a "Christmas" tree a "holiday" tree, the Coffee Bean Corral never would. They also had a link to the, ‘real story of Christmas’.
The Atheologist quickly shot out the following email informing them of their serious transgression.

Hello to everyone at the Coffee Bean Corral, I was at first delighted to see that you celebrate the holidays by telling the real story of Christmas. But then I read about how you refuse to call a “Christmas tree” a “holiday tree”. Any true Christian would know that the ritual of decorating a tree or God forbid, bringing one into the house, is a Pagan practice and forbidden by God.

The Atheologist then suggested that if in fact they were real Christians at the Coffee Bean Corral, they should pay more attention to what was written in the Bible, repent and maybe cutting down on their caffeine ingestion would help.The Atheologist quickly received this reply from one Terry A. Richards of the Coffee Bean Corral:

"Last evening I went to Jeremiah and read this passage. At the time this happened the people were taking the tree inside and worshipping the tree as their god. I only worship one GOD and he is the true GOD.
I have no need to repent at least not concerning a tree."

Oh really Terry “A.” Richards. Does the “A” happen to stand for atheist or antichrist? Which is it?

The Atheologist urges all of you good and true Christians who wish to remain good and true to never bring any sort of shrubbery into the house and never, ever call a "holiday" tree a "Christmas" tree. Jesus will thank you for it and possibly not send you to hell. (Where to leave the gifts will be Santa's problem.)

PS: Some people suspect that Jesus and Santa may be one in the same individual - the beards, last names starting with "C", both become very popular around Christmas time, they both love children…etc. The Atheologist believes that this is just a coincidence though, and would much rather be on Santa’s naughty list than be on Jesus’. The Atheologist can deal with a lump of coal in his stocking or lousy gifts from Santa as opposed to having Jesus send him to hell to burn and be tortured for ever and ever for all eternity, (because he loves me).

The Atheologist

A Beautiful Service

This past weekend the Atheologist had the pleasure of attending a wedding of the son of a friend and neighbor. The highlight of the ceremony was not when the pastor pronounced the happy couple man and wife, or when he explained to the blissful pair that the only way to have a happy marriage is to make, not each other, nor your children, but Jesus #1 in your lives, no it was prior to that when a close family friend read a great verse from scriptures. It is from Ephesians 5:22-33:

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing…”

As the words were leaving the reader’s lips, the Atheologist noticed husbands in the pews elbowing their respective wives, most likely making sure that they were paying attention.
But the Atheologist noticed that not every husband in attendance was smirking or elbowing their respective Mrs.
Were these husbands not paying attention or could they have just been non believing atheists who somehow snuck into God’s house unnoticed? The Atheologist wondered if these and other atheists had any chance at having a long and happy marriage without the guidance that God provides through his holy rule book.

Then a strange thought popped into the Atheologist’s head - is it possible that some of them were now thinking to themselves that maybe this religion stuff had something going for it after all? Would this simple verse from scriptures suddenly open their eyes? God does work in mysterious ways and anything is possible.
So all you atheists out there, read the Bible. There’s a lot of stuff in it. All of you non-atheists, find an atheist to read the Bible to, they will really appreciate it.

Here are a few of the Atheologist’s favorite Bible parts concerning women: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:12-14 and Deuteronomy 21:11-14.

The Atheologist

Ohio Christian School Tells Student To Skip Prom

A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school in Findlay Ohio, that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, principal Tim England said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend tomorrow’s Findlay High School's prom.
Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year said principal Tim England, and he continued:

“When Tyler made the agreement with the school and God, he knew all about the terrible temptations that the secular world would unload upon him. We are only looking out for him. Those secular heathen atheistic students, who attend that secular atheistic heathen school, are very adept at dancing, kissing, alcohol drinking and sex. Tyler’s lack of experience in those areas would cause him great embarrassment and distress. We all know how narrow-minded those who attend those types of schools can be and wish to shield him from the unnecessary humiliation. Besides, although this so called, ‘prom’, will be under adult supervision, the so called supervisors are of course most likely, heathen, evil atheistic nonbelievers who are not worthy to stand before the Lord, and are therefore, by definition highly intolerant of those of us with much higher morals. And mother's day is coming up, so, happy mothers, day to all of you mothers out there; even Tyler’s skanky girlfriend’s mother”.

This situation is obviously based on similar incidents taken from the movie 'Footloose', and the Atheologist hopes that everyone sticks to the script so that a happy Hollywood ending will bring it to a close.

The Atheologist

Oy, Please Don’t Call It, the ‘Swine’, Flu

The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed "Mexican" influenza out of respect to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.
Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and "we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu," he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.

The Atheologist was deeply touched by Yakov’s concern for his Muslim brothers, after all how many Muslims are there in Mexico anyway? Besides, most Mexicans are followers of that declining religion that the Atheologist’s previous post touched upon. Those Catholic pork eaters seem to have overlooked that part of the Bible, Leviticus 11:1-3, which strictly forbids eating pork and even the watching of Porky Pig cartoons.

According to the Atheologist’s copy of, ‘Christian Rules and Regulations’, Christians are supposed to be Christlike. If Jesus did it, they do it. If He didn't they don't. That being the case, the Atheologist does seem to remember something about Jesus feasting on Chinese spare ribs and pork fried rice at the last supper, (or was it lamb). Alas, a quick search of the New Testament did not confirm any of this so the Atheologist may have come upon that one in one of his many Jesus dreams.

Here are some questions that the Atheologist has for Yakov -

Is this Canadian farmer actually a Mexican?

Where the hell is Madonna and her magic Kabbalah water when you need it?

Is the Hippo flu the cause of obesity in the USA?

Is the name, ‘Mad Cow Disease”, offensive to Hindus?

How about, ‘West Nile Virus’, is it offensive to Egyptians?

Does the term, ‘Lyme’, disease disrespect Margarita drinkers?

Why have the Atheists been so silent on this issue, is it their fault?

Is it safe to eat Jews? Some of them do look very appetizing.

The Atheologist

P.S. The saying, “when pigs fly” may now be obsolete now that, pigs flu”, sorry.

Doubts

On the suggestion of a good friend, the Atheologist rented the movie “Doubt”, and while most NAMBLA members were probably disappointed with the lack of particulars in the relationship between the Priest and the young vivacious black boy, the Atheologist did enjoy the movie.

The Atheologist happened to attend a Catholic school which was very similar to the one depicted in the film, though being fleet of foot, had no problem outrunning a horny priest or two.

The movie though did remind the Atheologist of some of the tremendous problem facing the Catholic Church today: The dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood, the large number of Catholic school closings due to the significant drop in the elementary school population, the clergy sexual abuse scandal, the new movie “Angels and Demons”, the old movie “The Da Vinci Code”, attacks by “The Family Guy”, the Swine Flu, cannibalism…etc.

The Atheologist has some suggestions for the Catholic Church which may help to reverse this frightening trend:

(1) How about bringing back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Anyone should be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just, “plain Janes”, whose mothers never taught them about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.

(2) Priests need better costumes too -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I have no, 'doubt', that plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."

(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen those old-time movies knows that heartwarming, "top of the morning to you", stuff is essential.

(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls’ robes to show a little thigh, add some 4 inch pumps, and I don't 'doubt' that'll double church attendance in no time flat.

(5) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire before you start drooling uncontrollably and you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud?

(6) Don’t limit the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking red wine during the Eucharist. A good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference. Suggestion: a nice shot of grappa or Patron with a Prosecco chaser.

(7) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation, who now regularly fall asleep during service, would no 'doubt' have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their lifelong profession.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist has no, ‘doubt’, that the Catholic Church could steal a number of faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

The Atheologist

Christians Rumble At Birthplace Of Christ

Greek Orthodox and Apostolic Armenian priests were caught not acting very Christianly towards one another on Thursday. The priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Bethlehem Church of the Nativity where Christians believe Jesus was born.

The fight appeared to have started over a disagreement on who Jesus loves more, the Greeks or the Armenians.

The Armenian priests claimed that because Armenia was the first country to adopt Christianity as the state religion, (the US is #2), Jesus had a warm place in his heart for the Armenians. The Greek priests countered with their argument that because the Greeks invented the hula hoop, Jesus of course loves them way more.

The arguing then escalated with screams of, “idiots’, “morons", “Trojan trickers”, “genocide propagandists”, Turk lovers", “fudge packers”, "Uozo drinking rats" …etc. The brooms, fists and stones then started flying like crazy. Up to 80 bearded holy men wearing dark robes became embroiled in the fight. Several people were injured before the Palestinian police broke it all up.
A good time was had by all!

But a few Jews watching, could not decide on whom to spit on.

The Atheologist

Muslim Attacks Christians On Subway for Poor Jew-Hating Skills

Friday night, four Jewish subway riders who wished other people "Happy Hanukkah" were pelted with anti-Semitic remarks before being beaten, police and prosecutors said. A Muslim man, Hassan Askari -- a student from Bangladesh reportedly joined the fracas and began attacking the attackers. Onlookers reported that the Askari seemed upset at the passionless anti-Semitism being used by the group of Christian attackers.

As he pummeled the Christians Askari was reportedly heard shouting:

"How dare you hate on this Jew! That is solely the right of Allah's chosen people! Foul infidels, you are not worthy to feel contempt for this offspring of pigs and monkeys! You should be trying to push him into the sea, not hurt his feelings! I spit on you and jihad in your general direction!”

and he continued with:

"You insult one stupid little Jew holiday and call that Jew-hating? You couldn't hate a Jew on the Jew-hatingest day of your life if you had an electrified Jew-hating machine! I could hate more Jews in five minutes than you could in your entire lifetime. And speaking of five minutes, that's how long it's been since I finished riding your mother, who - by the way - confided in me at the height of passion that she's deeply disappointed by your bumbling and grotesquely inept Jew-hating."

The Atheologist has heard the saying: ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’, but there must be more that goes with it, something like, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless he is too much of a pussy to be a really good enemy to my enemy’.

The Atheologist