Doubts

On the suggestion of a good friend, the Atheologist rented the movie “Doubt”, and while most NAMBLA members were probably disappointed with the lack of particulars in the relationship between the Priest and the young vivacious black boy, the Atheologist did enjoy the movie.

The Atheologist happened to attend a Catholic school which was very similar to the one depicted in the film, though being fleet of foot, had no problem outrunning a horny priest or two.

The movie though did remind the Atheologist of some of the tremendous problem facing the Catholic Church today: The dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood, the large number of Catholic school closings due to the significant drop in the elementary school population, the clergy sexual abuse scandal, the new movie “Angels and Demons”, the old movie “The Da Vinci Code”, attacks by “The Family Guy”, the Swine Flu, cannibalism…etc.

The Atheologist has some suggestions for the Catholic Church which may help to reverse this frightening trend:

(1) How about bringing back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Anyone should be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just, “plain Janes”, whose mothers never taught them about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.

(2) Priests need better costumes too -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I have no, 'doubt', that plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."

(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen those old-time movies knows that heartwarming, "top of the morning to you", stuff is essential.

(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls’ robes to show a little thigh, add some 4 inch pumps, and I don't 'doubt' that'll double church attendance in no time flat.

(5) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire before you start drooling uncontrollably and you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud?

(6) Don’t limit the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking red wine during the Eucharist. A good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference. Suggestion: a nice shot of grappa or Patron with a Prosecco chaser.

(7) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation, who now regularly fall asleep during service, would no 'doubt' have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their lifelong profession.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist has no, ‘doubt’, that the Catholic Church could steal a number of faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

The Atheologist

Christians Rumble At Birthplace Of Christ

Greek Orthodox and Apostolic Armenian priests were caught not acting very Christianly towards one another on Thursday. The priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Bethlehem Church of the Nativity where Christians believe Jesus was born.

The fight appeared to have started over a disagreement on who Jesus loves more, the Greeks or the Armenians.

The Armenian priests claimed that because Armenia was the first country to adopt Christianity as the state religion, (the US is #2), Jesus had a warm place in his heart for the Armenians. The Greek priests countered with their argument that because the Greeks invented the hula hoop, Jesus of course loves them way more.

The arguing then escalated with screams of, “idiots’, “morons", “Trojan trickers”, “genocide propagandists”, Turk lovers", “fudge packers”, "Uozo drinking rats" …etc. The brooms, fists and stones then started flying like crazy. Up to 80 bearded holy men wearing dark robes became embroiled in the fight. Several people were injured before the Palestinian police broke it all up.
A good time was had by all!

But a few Jews watching, could not decide on whom to spit on.

The Atheologist

Muslim Attacks Christians On Subway for Poor Jew-Hating Skills

Friday night, four Jewish subway riders who wished other people "Happy Hanukkah" were pelted with anti-Semitic remarks before being beaten, police and prosecutors said. A Muslim man, Hassan Askari -- a student from Bangladesh reportedly joined the fracas and began attacking the attackers. Onlookers reported that the Askari seemed upset at the passionless anti-Semitism being used by the group of Christian attackers.

As he pummeled the Christians Askari was reportedly heard shouting:

"How dare you hate on this Jew! That is solely the right of Allah's chosen people! Foul infidels, you are not worthy to feel contempt for this offspring of pigs and monkeys! You should be trying to push him into the sea, not hurt his feelings! I spit on you and jihad in your general direction!”

and he continued with:

"You insult one stupid little Jew holiday and call that Jew-hating? You couldn't hate a Jew on the Jew-hatingest day of your life if you had an electrified Jew-hating machine! I could hate more Jews in five minutes than you could in your entire lifetime. And speaking of five minutes, that's how long it's been since I finished riding your mother, who - by the way - confided in me at the height of passion that she's deeply disappointed by your bumbling and grotesquely inept Jew-hating."

The Atheologist has heard the saying: ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’, but there must be more that goes with it, something like, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless he is too much of a pussy to be a really good enemy to my enemy’.

The Atheologist

Atheist Crucifixes Pulled From Church Gift Shops

Saint Patrick's Cathedral and Trinity Church in New York City, pulled crucifixes from their gift shops today after it was alleged in a report by the National Labor Committee, that they were manufactured in Communist Chinese Atheistic Sweatshops.
The report alleged that the crucifixes come from a factory in Guangdong, China, where women, some as young as 15, who know nothing about Jesus, work more than 90 hours a week for about 26 cents an hour, (less than half of China's minimum wage). The crucifixes, which cost as little as $1.40 to produce, are sold in church gift shops for $17.95. (American Capitalists pay attention; a 1200% markup is very impressive indeed.)

Just how many of these heathen crucifixes have been sold to unsuspecting Catholics, Episcopalians and other Christians is anybody’s guess. Have these crucifixes been tested for lead? Do Christians risk getting brain damage every time they kiss these crucified Jesuses?

The Atheologist suggests a trade embargo be implemented against China, ASAP!! The embargo that the US has against Cuba since 1962 has successfully prevented the importation of Sweaty Cuban Communistic Crucifixes into our great nation. China is just another one of those Communistic Countries that Jesus has warned us about.

The Atheologist

OJ and JC in LV

Yesterday, the Atheologist and a co-worker, (we’ll call him ‘Joe’), were watching CNN when coverage of OJ Simpson’s release from prison, (after the alleged Las Vegas hotel incident), suddenly eclipsed all other news items. As we stared at the screen together, ‘Joe’, suddenly started screaming at the television set. Most of Joe’s vocal outburst is not suitable for young readers and won’t be documented here. And when the Atheologist switched the channel to FOX ‘news’ and he saw the split screen coverage of OJ’s vehicle making its way through the streets of Las Vegas, he really lost it.

Now the Atheologist totally understood how ‘Joe’, was feeling, but he and others like him must understand that the American news media will never deprive the American people of news stories that really matter. ‘Joe’, was probably concerned that he would be denied news of the latest thing to go in or come out of Paris Hilton’s mouth. Did Britney get wasted and puke again? What about K-Fed? Did Michael Jackson really kill JonBenet Ramsey? Is JLO's ass getting bigger? And did Joey Buttafuoco molest the Olsen twins again?

No, ‘Joe’, needn’t worry when the latest OJ incident, (clip here), temporarily overshadows other equally or even more important news stories such as the ones mentioned above. Our great professional American journalists are experts at prioritizing news stories and always make space for the important ones.

What Joe may also not realize is what MSNBC, CNN, FOX and all the other major news outlets were most likely looking for as OJ made his exit from the slammer. What they and the Atheologist were hoping to see was the slightest hint of what has become a common occurrence with many celebrities when they have been caught in sticky situations. Did or didn’t OJ find Jesus during his short stint in jail? Has he accepted JC as his personal savior, the way that he accepted, and was saved by another ‘JC’, the late Johnnie Cochran, the last time that he found himself in a pickle?

Alas it was not to be; there was no crucifix around his neck, no Bible in his hand. Did he forget Jesse Jackson, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, Michael Vick and the many others who have invoked the name of God or Jesus in their times of need, and times of good fortune?

Ever since Mother Theresa lost Jesus and became an Atheist, it seems to be very easy for a public personality to locate him. Did he even look? Maybe he’s hoping that Johnny will be rising from the dead in time to save him once again.

As a side note, Johnny Cochran’s final words are rumored to be:

“Tumor in your head? Man, soon you'll be dead” or “If my heart don't beat, cover me with a sheet” or "If the body don't stir, you must inter" to which God replied: “If you help a double murderer,
heaven's a whole lot furtherer”.

The Atheologist

World Breastfeeding Week 2007

As many of you know the week of Aug. 1st to the 7^th is world breastfeeding week. There are many arguments favoring breastfeeding, among them are: Mother's milk has just the right amount of fat, sugar, water, and protein that is needed for a baby's growth and development. Most babies find it easier to digest breast milk than they do formula. Breast milk has antibodies in it to help protect infants from bacteria and viruses and to help them fight off infection and disease. Human milk straight from the breast is always sterile. Breastfeeding saves times and money. You do not have to purchase, measure, and mix formula, and there are no bottles to warm in the middle of the night. Breastfeeding also helps a mother bond with her baby. Physical contact is important to newborns and can help them feel more secure, warm and comforted. Nursing uses up extra calories, making it easier to lose the pounds gained from pregnancy. It also helps the uterus to get back to its original size more quickly and lessens any bleeding a woman may have after giving birth. Breastfeeding also may lower the risk of breast and ovarian cancers…etc.

The Atheologist has always been an advocate of breastfeeding and now a brave Muslim leader has had the courage to come out and issue a fatwa on adult breastfeeding.

In his fatwa, Dr Atiya, the head of al-Azhar's Department of Hadith, said such teachings could equally apply to adults. He said:

“…if a woman fed a male colleague directly from her breast at least five times they would establish a family bond and thus be allowed to be alone together at work. Breast feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage, a woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breastfed."

How cool is that!! I don’t know of many men who would have a problem with that, do you? (Of course the lesbian community is up in arms, but pay them no mind.)

It’s no wonder that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world today, (not counting Key West, San Francisco and New York’s Fire Island of course).

Sign me up!

The Atheologist

Does Jesus Like Big Butts?

A new diet which emphasis improving health as a pathway to serving god is catching on for growing number of black women.
SisterTalk is one such program in which religious themes, most of which, use the experiences and teachings of Jesus Christ and other bible figures to provide support in their, ‘get healthy and lose weight’, lessons. Sandra Moseby, along with her mother Frances, a participant in SisterTalk explains:

“We know that we all fall down, but we’re motivated by the lessons and by each other to get up again”

With obesity being the national crisis that it has become in America, the Atheologist figured that any attempt to reverse the trend would be welcomed, but The Atheologist has found one group that is opposed to this holy approach to health, (and surprisingly it was not the Atheists), it was black men. It seems that black men love for their women to have some junk in their trunks and there seems to be a growing opposition to programs such as SisterTalk. ‘The Big Sista Lovas Association’, is one such organization. It’s spokesman and head of operations, ‘Jaycee’, explains:

“It’s just ridiculous that’s all. If our females start baking their chicken instead of frying or forget how to make sweet potato pie or stop dropping a fatty ham hock into our collard greens that would upset me and Jesus too! Allow me to explain. Since it has been definitively proved that Jesus was a brother, he would most undiscrutably want our sisters to cook traditional soul food. You see, Jesus never got married or even had a girl friend because back in the Bible days there was no soul food or even any KFCs around. People be eatin figs and dates and nuts and shit and the sisters couldn’t be putting on any weight like that. Jesus couldn’t find a woman with any meat on her bones so he remained bachelorized for his whole life. F*#k SisterTalk, if our sisters sit around and talk, then they can’t eat and if they don’t eat then they will start to shrivel and their butts will disproportionably start to shrink away. We have enough of those skinny black women around like Halle Berry and Tyra. We gots to put a stop to this nonsense!”

The Atheologist has found that, (According to the American Obesity Association), obesity rates are the highest among blacks and Latinos. Research compiled in a 2006 Harris Interactive survey, found that 80 percent of adult black women and 67 percent of adult black men are overweight and studies suggest these numbers are rising. Those are alarming numbers; hopefully Jesus will change his attitude real soon.

The Atheologist