Atheist Fools

The Atheologist recently received the following in e-mail from a co-worker:

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLIDAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring," Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
HOORAY FOR THAT JUDGE

What a cute little story that is, (although many atheists will scoff at being called, ‘fools’). The Atheologist has in fact discovered many YouTube videos which actually try to depict atheists as being wise rather than foolish beings. In this and this video, for example, atheists such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Ernest Hemmingway, Carl Sagan and Marie Curie among others are presented.

The Atheologist wonders - if these people were allegedly so smart why they had such a hard time picking out a religion. With so many hundreds of religions and gods to choose from, any dummy should be able to find one to his or her liking.

And you atheists out there, don’t dare point the Atheologist to the “Snopes” website which states that the above court case never happened because Snopes also states that Einstein never humiliated one of his college professors or that another college professor never dropped a piece of chalk or that a Marine never knocked out a college professor. In fact, if an atheist perused the ‘Snopes’ website, especially the, 'glurge', section, for any length of time, that atheist may come to believe that college professors don’t exist either.


Very Important:  If you don't send the above e-mail to at least 56,000 friends in the next 95 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhea will land on your head this afternoon and the fleas from 18 camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to the Atheologist's mother-in-law's friend’s second cousin’s husband's barber.


The Atheologist

Stairway To Heaven

The other day the Atheologist was walking up one of the stairwells at his place of employment, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted something. There lying on the landing floor was a very familiar image, it was the likeness of Jesus fashioned from paint chips which had fallen off the stairwell wall. To the unimaginative or mentally stable person, they were simply paint chips arranged in a random design. But to the Atheologist it was a holy vision. Just look at his smile, it’s no wonder he’s known as ‘the light of the world’!

Now many atheists would question why God would do such a thing – tip to atheists; don’t question God, he doesn’t like it! As far as the Atheologist can tell, this is the first time our Lord has shown himself using paint chips as his media. There have been numerous occasions when Jesus, Mary and other religious celebrities have shown themselves in grilled cheese sandwiches, windows, underpasses, wood panels and even Cheetos, but never out of peeling paint.

Should anyone wish to view this miraculous icon, please contact the Atheologist who, (for a paltry $50.00 tour fee), will escort a limited number of pilgrims to this secret site. Those pilgrims of Mexican descent may bring a bottle of Tezon Blanco Tequila in lieu of the aforementioned charge. (That stuff is amazing and will aid the Atheologist in his quest for similar religious iconic experiences).
But please hurry before the maintenance crew sweeps the stairwell.

The Atheologist

Oh Tannenbaum, Your Branches Green Delight Us! Or Do They?

This is the time of year when a lot of people think that it’s cute to erect an artificial or real tree in their living rooms and decorate it with lights, knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. But is this really such a good idea?
According to the Bible, it is not, and Bible seems pretty clear in its prohibition
– Jeremiah 10:

"Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel : Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen.For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest,the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.They deck it with silver and with gold…”.

Now every true Christian knows that only pagans, atheists, devil worshipers and pretend Christians would even think of ignoring God’s wishes. Like the wearing clothing made from the wrong combination of fabrics or cooking a young goat in its mother’s milk.

The Atheologist recently corresponded with one such pretend Christian.The Atheologist recieved an e-mail from the Coffee Bean Corral which along with updates on their latest coffee bean selections, declared that unlike those cowardly individuals and businesses who choose to call a "Christmas" tree a "holiday" tree, the Coffee Bean Corral never would. They also had a link to the, ‘real story of Christmas’.
The Atheologist quickly shot out the following email informing them of their serious transgression.

Hello to everyone at the Coffee Bean Corral, I was at first delighted to see that you celebrate the holidays by telling the real story of Christmas. But then I read about how you refuse to call a “Christmas tree” a “holiday tree”. Any true Christian would know that the ritual of decorating a tree or God forbid, bringing one into the house, is a Pagan practice and forbidden by God.

The Atheologist then suggested that if in fact they were real Christians at the Coffee Bean Corral, they should pay more attention to what was written in the Bible, repent and maybe cutting down on their caffeine ingestion would help.The Atheologist quickly received this reply from one Terry A. Richards of the Coffee Bean Corral:

"Last evening I went to Jeremiah and read this passage. At the time this happened the people were taking the tree inside and worshipping the tree as their god. I only worship one GOD and he is the true GOD.
I have no need to repent at least not concerning a tree."

Oh really Terry “A.” Richards. Does the “A” happen to stand for atheist or antichrist? Which is it?

The Atheologist urges all of you good and true Christians who wish to remain good and true to never bring any sort of shrubbery into the house and never, ever call a "holiday" tree a "Christmas" tree. Jesus will thank you for it and possibly not send you to hell. (Where to leave the gifts will be Santa's problem.)

PS: Some people suspect that Jesus and Santa may be one in the same individual - the beards, last names starting with "C", both become very popular around Christmas time, they both love children…etc. The Atheologist believes that this is just a coincidence though, and would much rather be on Santa’s naughty list than be on Jesus’. The Atheologist can deal with a lump of coal in his stocking or lousy gifts from Santa as opposed to having Jesus send him to hell to burn and be tortured for ever and ever for all eternity, (because he loves me).

The Atheologist

A Beautiful Service

This past weekend the Atheologist had the pleasure of attending a wedding of the son of a friend and neighbor. The highlight of the ceremony was not when the pastor pronounced the happy couple man and wife, or when he explained to the blissful pair that the only way to have a happy marriage is to make, not each other, nor your children, but Jesus #1 in your lives, no it was prior to that when a close family friend read a great verse from scriptures. It is from Ephesians 5:22-33:

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing…”

As the words were leaving the reader’s lips, the Atheologist noticed husbands in the pews elbowing their respective wives, most likely making sure that they were paying attention.
But the Atheologist noticed that not every husband in attendance was smirking or elbowing their respective Mrs.
Were these husbands not paying attention or could they have just been non believing atheists who somehow snuck into God’s house unnoticed? The Atheologist wondered if these and other atheists had any chance at having a long and happy marriage without the guidance that God provides through his holy rule book.

Then a strange thought popped into the Atheologist’s head - is it possible that some of them were now thinking to themselves that maybe this religion stuff had something going for it after all? Would this simple verse from scriptures suddenly open their eyes? God does work in mysterious ways and anything is possible.
So all you atheists out there, read the Bible. There’s a lot of stuff in it. All of you non-atheists, find an atheist to read the Bible to, they will really appreciate it.

Here are a few of the Atheologist’s favorite Bible parts concerning women: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:12-14 and Deuteronomy 21:11-14.

The Atheologist

Ohio Christian School Tells Student To Skip Prom

A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school in Findlay Ohio, that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, principal Tim England said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend tomorrow’s Findlay High School's prom.
Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year said principal Tim England, and he continued:

“When Tyler made the agreement with the school and God, he knew all about the terrible temptations that the secular world would unload upon him. We are only looking out for him. Those secular heathen atheistic students, who attend that secular atheistic heathen school, are very adept at dancing, kissing, alcohol drinking and sex. Tyler’s lack of experience in those areas would cause him great embarrassment and distress. We all know how narrow-minded those who attend those types of schools can be and wish to shield him from the unnecessary humiliation. Besides, although this so called, ‘prom’, will be under adult supervision, the so called supervisors are of course most likely, heathen, evil atheistic nonbelievers who are not worthy to stand before the Lord, and are therefore, by definition highly intolerant of those of us with much higher morals. And mother's day is coming up, so, happy mothers, day to all of you mothers out there; even Tyler’s skanky girlfriend’s mother”.

This situation is obviously based on similar incidents taken from the movie 'Footloose', and the Atheologist hopes that everyone sticks to the script so that a happy Hollywood ending will bring it to a close.

The Atheologist

Oy, Please Don’t Call It, the ‘Swine’, Flu

The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed "Mexican" influenza out of respect to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.
Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and "we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu," he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.

The Atheologist was deeply touched by Yakov’s concern for his Muslim brothers, after all how many Muslims are there in Mexico anyway? Besides, most Mexicans are followers of that declining religion that the Atheologist’s previous post touched upon. Those Catholic pork eaters seem to have overlooked that part of the Bible, Leviticus 11:1-3, which strictly forbids eating pork and even the watching of Porky Pig cartoons.

According to the Atheologist’s copy of, ‘Christian Rules and Regulations’, Christians are supposed to be Christlike. If Jesus did it, they do it. If He didn't they don't. That being the case, the Atheologist does seem to remember something about Jesus feasting on Chinese spare ribs and pork fried rice at the last supper, (or was it lamb). Alas, a quick search of the New Testament did not confirm any of this so the Atheologist may have come upon that one in one of his many Jesus dreams.

Here are some questions that the Atheologist has for Yakov -

Is this Canadian farmer actually a Mexican?

Where the hell is Madonna and her magic Kabbalah water when you need it?

Is the Hippo flu the cause of obesity in the USA?

Is the name, ‘Mad Cow Disease”, offensive to Hindus?

How about, ‘West Nile Virus’, is it offensive to Egyptians?

Does the term, ‘Lyme’, disease disrespect Margarita drinkers?

Why have the Atheists been so silent on this issue, is it their fault?

Is it safe to eat Jews? Some of them do look very appetizing.

The Atheologist

P.S. The saying, “when pigs fly” may now be obsolete now that, pigs flu”, sorry.

Doubts

On the suggestion of a good friend, the Atheologist rented the movie “Doubt”, and while most NAMBLA members were probably disappointed with the lack of particulars in the relationship between the Priest and the young vivacious black boy, the Atheologist did enjoy the movie.

The Atheologist happened to attend a Catholic school which was very similar to the one depicted in the film, though being fleet of foot, had no problem outrunning a horny priest or two.

The movie though did remind the Atheologist of some of the tremendous problem facing the Catholic Church today: The dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood, the large number of Catholic school closings due to the significant drop in the elementary school population, the clergy sexual abuse scandal, the new movie “Angels and Demons”, the old movie “The Da Vinci Code”, attacks by “The Family Guy”, the Swine Flu, cannibalism…etc.

The Atheologist has some suggestions for the Catholic Church which may help to reverse this frightening trend:

(1) How about bringing back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Anyone should be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just, “plain Janes”, whose mothers never taught them about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.

(2) Priests need better costumes too -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I have no, 'doubt', that plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."

(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen those old-time movies knows that heartwarming, "top of the morning to you", stuff is essential.

(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls’ robes to show a little thigh, add some 4 inch pumps, and I don't 'doubt' that'll double church attendance in no time flat.

(5) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire before you start drooling uncontrollably and you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud?

(6) Don’t limit the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking red wine during the Eucharist. A good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference. Suggestion: a nice shot of grappa or Patron with a Prosecco chaser.

(7) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation, who now regularly fall asleep during service, would no 'doubt' have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their lifelong profession.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist has no, ‘doubt’, that the Catholic Church could steal a number of faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

The Atheologist