Not Such A Happy Birthday After All

In the Atheologist’s post yesterday he explained a little about the Muhammad’s birthday celebration. Well, it did not go too well for the Sunnis - over 85 dead at birthday celebrations in Pakistan.
In one incident, at least 57 were killed when an explosion caused by sticks of dynamite made to look like birthday candles, were lit atop the birthday cake. The Atheologist suggests that the next time whoever brings the candles must be the one to light them. If that individual makes a bee line for the door, everyone will know that something is up.

In the other incident 29 were killed while leaving a seminar on the life of Muhammad. The women and children were crushed in a stampede when someone stopped to tie their Nikes. Jesus Christ, Pakistan is practically part of the Middle East, hasn’t anyone ever heard of sandals?

The Atheologist only hopes that the Shi`ites’ Muhammad birthday celebrations on April 16th go a little better.

Note: Due to the high numbers of Muslims killed in stampedes while attending religious celebrations, the Atheologist has coined a new word that he hopes will appear in Webster’s someday.
The new word is ‘Muslipede’, (mŭz'-lĭ'-pēd') – the sudden headlong rush of Muslims, often causing high numbers of injuries and deaths.

The Atheologist

Happy Birthday Muhammad!

Today, April 11th is Mawlid or Mawlid an-Nabi or Milad al-Nabi or مولد، مولد النبي، ميلاد النبي, the celebration of the birth of Islam's prophet Muhammad. Well actually the Sunnis celebrate it today but the Shi'as will be celebrating it on the 16th. The Atheologist’s research into the confusion concerning the correct date of his birth, has led him to the conclusion that it can be attributed to, (blamed on), Muhammad’s mother. Legend has it that when Muhammad's mother gave birth on April 11th, she realized that little Muhammad missed the cutoff for the draft into the Meccan Army, by 2 days, and would be inducted when he reached the age of 12. Being the loving and caring mother that she was, she changed the date on the birth certificate to the 16th so that Muhammad would be drafted into the army a year later and also be able to work in the family business until he was 13 years old.

For those of you who have never attended a Muhammad birthday party celebration, it is indeed a festive celebration! There is always lots of great music and food, but you won’t see any Italian sausage or Budweiser being served. Of course, only men are allowed to participate, women are turned away at the door, no matter how hot they may be. The celebration ends with the birthday boy's cake being brought out. Everyone sings the Islamic birthday song. Here are the words to the song, translated into English. They are taken directly from the Koran:

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Muhammad, happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you, do not make friends with a Christian or Jew, (5:51)
We will murder them and treat them harshly. (9:123)
Kill the disbelievers wherever we find them, (2:191)
Fight and slay the Pagans, seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem. (9:5)
And fight with them until there is no more persecution and religion should be only for Allah, (8:39)
Happy birthday to you!

The last part of the song lost some of its rhythm and flow due to the translation from Arabic, but it sounds great when sung in its mother tongue.

Here's a funny picture of Muhammad with a birthday candle on his head. Those silly Muslims!



The Atheologist

Funny Money

The Atheologist was walking to work the other day when he was approached by two seemingly normal looking young ladies who proceeded to hand him something resembling a piece of United States currency. The Atheologist took the item and gave it a quick glance as he continued walking. To his surprise it was what appeared to be a one million dollar bill! The Atheologist quickened his pace in case the young ladies had a change of heart and wanted it back or were looking for sexual favors in return.

When the Atheologist got to his desk he checked out the bill and in the agitated state that he was in concluded that it was indeed real. All kinds of thoughts went through the Atheologists mind, but the first thing he decided to do was to treat some of his co-workers to some Starbucks. The Atheologist, now a millionaire, sauntered over to one of his co-workers desks and the conversation went something like this;

The Atheologist: “Hey Steve,” (not his real name), “how about a cup of Joe, lets hit 'The Mermaid', look what I have, I’m buying”.
Steve: (Looking at the bill), “What are you a moron?”
The Atheologist: "Yes I know that Starbucks is a rip-off, but this is a million dollars dude!”
Steve: “No you idiot, that’s not real”.
The Atheologist: (His heart sinking) “What do you mean? How do you know?”
Steve: “It says right here, ‘This Note Not Legal Tender For All Debts, Public And Private’, you idiot, and look, there are Christian Bible tracts on the back.”
The Atheologist: (Taking the funny money back), “Oh, then never mind.”

Sure enough when the Atheologist got back to his desk, he saw that Steve, (still not his real name), was indeed correct. His newly found wealth had vanished as quickly as it had materialized. The Atheologist was suddenly filled with hatred against those two evil, b@$t@#d, b1tch8$ that had given him such false hope. Why would they do such a thing? The Atheologist was about to put “revenge” on the top of his list of things to do today, when he noticed the date at the top of the list: April 1, 2006. April first? April fools day? Of course! Good one bitches!

The Atheologist

Links: The Jokesters, The Funny Money, Even Wikipedia was in on it!, She was fooled too! Some Nerdy Christian Bitches.

An Open Letter To George W. Bush On Immigration Reform

Dear Mr. President,

I see that you are in a quandary, predicament, (you're in a jam). The Atheologist feels that the solution to our immigrant situation will not come easily. According a recent Pew Research Center Poll, 53 percent of Americans say illegal immigrants should be required to return home, while 40 percent say some legal status should be granted, as you are suggesting. Just like that Iraq thing, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. (It may help to get more people on your side if you casually mention that the great majority of Mexicans are Christians.)

Many of your opponents are saying that your worker amnesty program, (even though you can’t call it that), is only an attempt to help the Walmarts of this country who are looking for good, brown skinned, inexpensive labor. No, the Atheologist believes that you have only "goodliness" in your heart and have looked to Jesus for guidance and have asked yourself what he would do if he were in your position. And I believe that he would do just what you are doing, forgive and forget. Forgive the roughly 11 million illegal aliens that have broken a silly little law and forget that we have US citizens that know how to do construction work and can identify a ripe tomato when they see one. (But don't want to for the silly reason that 1/3 of a living wage is not enough to live on.)

Well Mr. President, the Atheologist is rooting for you and when you’re done with the pesky problem with our neighbors to the south, he has a few more silly laws that he would also like to see stricken from the books:

(1) The Atheologist owns a couple of peppy cars, (here and here), and occasionally likes to drive enthusiastically on our public roads, please see what you can do to legalize speeding. Mr Bush, please pay no attention to the radar detector lobby or local municipalities when they complain that this will eliminate a major source of income for them. (Maybe they should start a church and apply for money through your faith-based scam, plan.)

(2) The Atheologist occasionally finds himself short of cash and would love it if you would also try to make bank robbery legal. Since it is a Federal crime at the present moment to rob a bank, it shouldn’t be as hard to address as the speeding issue. FYI:The President of The United States (that's you), has the top job in the Federal Executive branch of our government, (I know you don’t read that much or stay on top of current events.)

(3) Baseball is a lot more fun and exciting to watch when the balls are flying out of the ballpark and the final score looks more like a football game’s. Please do what you can to make steroid use legal again for professional baseball players. Barry Bonds would agree.

I also have a question. Is it now legal to operate all types of firearms while plastered, or only shotguns while quail hunting?

PS: Don’t listen to the Atheists when they tell you that they want you to make it legal for their kind to be elected to public offices. That’s just silly!

Your’s truly,
The Atheologist

This is not the Atheologist, and neither is this.

Update 1- The Scientific Proof That God Exists

The Atheologist is awaiting a response to the letter, from the previous post, which was sent to the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette. Jerry Bergman so far has not responded, but it’s only been 3 weeks, (you know how busy those scientific people are). A Ms. Rhea Edmonds an assistant Features Editor from The Journal Gazette has assured me that she “will make sure that Jerry gets it”.

In order to kill time while we’re waiting, here are some interesting links to internet sites that also proclaim to have proof of God’s existence. Are they as scientifically valid as Jerry’s? You decide.

Here’s proof that the BEAJ needs to see!
Here's a supposed miracle that proves that God exists!
Here are over 300 proofs that God exists!
Here's proof from a mathematician!

Lots of good information there!

The Atheologist

Warning To Atheists: Scientific Proof That God Exists!

Atheists are constantly being quoted as saying things such as, "I would need scientific proof to show me that God exists" or "the more science progresses, the less we need religion". But in what may be the most important story of the year, the decade or even the 21st century thus far, a famous, formerly Atheist, now Orthodox Christian scientist, says that he has scientifically proven that God does indeed exist and evolution does not. In the 30 short years that it took him to complete his study, Dr. Jerry Bergman says that he is still refining his research. That’s real scientific dedication for you! The Atheologist being the dedicated researcher that he himself is, feels a kind of kinship with Jerry and sent off this heartfelt letter to him (for some reason the Atheologist could not find a direct email address for Jerry so instead it was sent to the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, where Jerry first announced his study.)

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for sharing the results of your study with the world. Many scientific discoveries like yours, such as the cures for cancer and the common cold, the existence of Bigfoot and the origin of crop circles, have been suppressed by those with their hidden agendas and narrow minds. I do have a few questions to ask that I’m sure are on the minds of many, including myself:

1) Which scientific journal(s) has,(have), or will be publishing your study, or is it still under peer-review?
2) Why did you choose Christianity as your faith, when someone with the name, “Bergman”, would obviously lean away from accepting Jesus as anything more than a nice street preacher? Will your published study show your scientific data that disproves the thousands of other gods, religions and their creation stories?
3) Would you consider starting a class action lawsuit against those that are teaching and in the past have taught the now disproved theory of evolution? And would uttering the words, "Darwin was right", in public be prohibited?
4) From your picture you appear to be a very intelligent individual. Were you always smart or was it only when you started wearing glasses and your head became egg-shaped that your intelligence intensified?

The Atheologist is still waiting for a response to this letter, (Jerry’s obviously a very busy man). The Atheologist will keep everyone updated.

The Atheologist

Is This The Best Blonde Joke Ever?

The Atheologist does not often stray from his usual subject matter, but this blonde joke was too good to pass up.

And if you want to talk about straying, a well known bacon eating, Jewish Atheist recently posted this on his blog which has nothing to do with being Jewish, an Atheist or even eating bacon.

And when you think about it, a lot of people do appear to worship blondes and treat them as goddesses, so it may not be too far from the Atheologist’s usual topics. When he looked into it, the Atheologist could not believe the amount of blonde worshipping that goes on, try Googling “blonde” and “goddess” and see how many hits you get. (Try Googling “blonde” and “naked” and you’ll get even more.)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The Atheologist has found what he believes is the best blonde joke ever, click here to see it, and if you think you know of a better one, please let the Atheologist in on it.

The Atheologist