Rabbi Marc Gellman, (the Kosher half of the “God Squad”), recently wrote an article which was published in Newsweek. It was entitled “Trying to Understand Angry Atheists”. In the article, Gellman states that he does not understand why Atheists are often so angry.
Over the years the Atheologist has developed the ability to decipher and make logical assumptions about what individuals are really trying to say.
The Atheologist has perused the Gellman article several times and in reading between the lines, believes that he has figured out what the good rabbi was trying to say. I have come to the conclusion that Rabbi Gellman was trying to point out that the angry Atheists are the ones to blame when it comes to the problems in our world today. The Atheologist assumes that the reason that he did not actually come out and say it, is that he didn’t want to make the angry Atheists angrier and turn non-angry Atheists into the angry type. He’s so thoughtful and kind.
Here is the Atheologist’s translation of what he actually meant in the article. If it makes the Atheists angrier, so be it:
What he wrote: “I think I need to understand atheists better.”
What he meant: Atheists are so hard to figure out, because they are liars.
What he wrote: “I bear them no ill will.”
What he meant: I wish they would shrivel up and die.
What he wrote: “…I have no desire to debate or convert them.”
What he meant: In a debate, they would use facts and logic to twist what I say.
What he wrote: “…I will admit to occasionally viewing atheists with the kind of patient sympathy often shown to me by Christians…”
What he meant: I like Christians more than I like Atheists
What he wrote: “…what I simply do not understand is why they are often so angry.”
What he meant: What the f*** is wrong with them?
What he wrote: “So we disagree about God.”
What he meant: I’m right, they’re wrong.
What he wrote: “…but I try to be civil.”
What he meant: I often want to strangle them and tell them that worshipping the devil is wrong.
What he wrote: “I don't know many religious folk who wake up thinking of new ways to aggravate atheists…”
What he meant: Atheists aggravate me to no end and they like to kick puppies.
What he wrote: “I just don't get it.”
What he meant: I don’t know why they hate God and love pornography.
What he wrote: “This must sound condescending…”
What he meant: If there is one group that deserves condescension, it would be Atheists.
What he wrote: “…I am tempted to believe that behind atheist anger there are oftentimes uncomfortable personal histories.”
What he meant: Atheists are mentally ill, and sometimes eat their children.
What he wrote: “I would ask for forgiveness from the angry atheists who write to me if I thought it would help.”
What he meant: Angry Atheists cannot get past their anger and hatred, so I won’t bother.
What he wrote: “But our world is better and kinder and more hopeful because of the daily sacrifice and witness of millions of pious people over thousands of years.”
What he meant: The goodness of the pious people cancels out the anger and evil of the Atheists.
What he wrote: “…such a vision need not be seen as a red flag to those who believe nothing.”
What he meant: Atheists, who believe nothing, shouldn’t get pissed off at those who believe anything and they should stop burning down churches, temples and pet shops.
What he wrote: “I can humbly ask whether my atheist brothers and sisters really believe that their lives are better, richer and more hopeful…”
What he meant: We’re better and we've won because we believe in God and he loves us more than he loves Atheists.
What he wrote: “I can agree to make peace with atheists whom I believe ask too little of life here on planet earth if they will agree to make peace with me and with other religious folk who perhaps have asked too much.”
What he meant: I will make peace with Atheists if they would only stop – lying, worshipping the Devil, kicking puppies, eating their children, watching pornography and setting fires.
I hope that helped.
Here is a partial listing of some of the angry Atheists Rabbi Gellman was referring to and what they had to say about his article:
About.com, Stupid Evil Bastard, The Atheist Jew, The Raving Atheist, American Atheists, Betty Cracker, Mojoey, Grounded In Reality, Atheist Revolution, Hellbound Alleee, Unscrewing The Inscrutable
The Atheologist
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