Happy Fat Tuesday

It’s Fat Tuesday in The Crescent City, The Big Easy, The City That Care Forgot, The City That Bush Tried To Forget, Nawlins, NOLA. ..etc,  happy Mardi Gras to all.

Although this is usually a happy and fun time, the Atheologist has been alarmed at several recent news stories involving deaths attributed to Voodoo candles, which are very popular in New Orleans.

 In Brooklyn, NY a fire was accidentally set during a Voodoo-Sex ritual, which killed a woman. Another woman was killed in England when a Voodoo candle set her robe on fire and an elderly man also died from burns he received while lighting Voodoo candles, (also known as votive candles), in a church on Long Island, NY.

The Atheologist wishes all y’all a happy Mardi Gras, have a Hurricane for me, but remember to be careful around your Voodoo candles. And when lighting them in church watch your back because there are some frisky priests around who may mistake you for a cute little altar boy, and you may find yourself wondering, “who dat, knockin’ at my back door?”

The Atheologist

The Body of Christ

More proof of God's existence and power came to light when it was discovered that communion hosts which were consumed at a Long Island NY church on Christmas day included hepatitis A.

For centuries the debate has raged on - is the holy host just a symbol of, or does it, (as the Church says), actually become the flesh of Jesus during the communion service.

Atheists and most Jews have said over and over that they want poof and now they have it.
 

Here's the proof: When the Communion hosts were transformed at Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church into the flesh of God's only son, the hepatitis virus that he must have contracted early in his youth also came along for the ride. A quick online search of the bible and YouTube found nothing stating that Jesus never had the disease.

To summarize: The original host, (Jesus) transubstantiated into the Communion host, then the Communion host became the intermediate host which passed the virus to human congregant hosts. The Atheologist, also being an amateur biologist, finds this totally plausible.

The Atheologist is now waiting for a rebuttal from the atheists. The Atheologist can hear them now, saying that they don't believe in heaven, hell, hepatitis or anything that begins with an, "H" for that matter.

The diocese's website, meanwhile, states that "We pray that no one comes down with this virus or catches any of our priests being naughty with any of our adorable little altar boys"

PS: According to the latest Pew Foundation survey , 45% of Catholics, are not aware of what they're supposed to believe they're eating when the host is popped into their mouths. This should wake them up!

The Atheologist

Atheist Fools

The Atheologist recently received the following in e-mail from a co-worker:

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLIDAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring," Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
HOORAY FOR THAT JUDGE

What a cute little story that is, (although many atheists will scoff at being called, ‘fools’). The Atheologist has in fact discovered many YouTube videos which actually try to depict atheists as being wise rather than foolish beings. In this and this video, for example, atheists such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Ernest Hemmingway, Carl Sagan and Marie Curie among others are presented.

The Atheologist wonders - if these people were allegedly so smart why they had such a hard time picking out a religion. With so many hundreds of religions and gods to choose from, any dummy should be able to find one to his or her liking.

And you atheists out there, don’t dare point the Atheologist to the “Snopes” website which states that the above court case never happened because Snopes also states that Einstein never humiliated one of his college professors or that another college professor never dropped a piece of chalk or that a Marine never knocked out a college professor. In fact, if an atheist perused the ‘Snopes’ website, especially the, 'glurge', section, for any length of time, that atheist may come to believe that college professors don’t exist either.


Very Important:  If you don't send the above e-mail to at least 56,000 friends in the next 95 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhea will land on your head this afternoon and the fleas from 18 camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to the Atheologist's mother-in-law's friend’s second cousin’s husband's barber.


The Atheologist

Stairway To Heaven

The other day the Atheologist was walking up one of the stairwells at his place of employment, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted something. There lying on the landing floor was a very familiar image, it was the likeness of Jesus fashioned from paint chips which had fallen off the stairwell wall. To the unimaginative or mentally stable person, they were simply paint chips arranged in a random design. But to the Atheologist it was a holy vision. Just look at his smile, it’s no wonder he’s known as ‘the light of the world’!

Now many atheists would question why God would do such a thing – tip to atheists; don’t question God, he doesn’t like it! As far as the Atheologist can tell, this is the first time our Lord has shown himself using paint chips as his media. There have been numerous occasions when Jesus, Mary and other religious celebrities have shown themselves in grilled cheese sandwiches, windows, underpasses, wood panels and even Cheetos, but never out of peeling paint.

Should anyone wish to view this miraculous icon, please contact the Atheologist who, (for a paltry $50.00 tour fee), will escort a limited number of pilgrims to this secret site. Those pilgrims of Mexican descent may bring a bottle of Tezon Blanco Tequila in lieu of the aforementioned charge. (That stuff is amazing and will aid the Atheologist in his quest for similar religious iconic experiences).
But please hurry before the maintenance crew sweeps the stairwell.

The Atheologist

Oh Tannenbaum, Your Branches Green Delight Us! Or Do They?

This is the time of year when a lot of people think that it’s cute to erect an artificial or real tree in their living rooms and decorate it with lights, knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. But is this really such a good idea?
According to the Bible, it is not, and Bible seems pretty clear in its prohibition
– Jeremiah 10:

"Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel : Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen.For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest,the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.They deck it with silver and with gold…”.

Now every true Christian knows that only pagans, atheists, devil worshipers and pretend Christians would even think of ignoring God’s wishes. Like the wearing clothing made from the wrong combination of fabrics or cooking a young goat in its mother’s milk.

The Atheologist recently corresponded with one such pretend Christian.The Atheologist recieved an e-mail from the Coffee Bean Corral which along with updates on their latest coffee bean selections, declared that unlike those cowardly individuals and businesses who choose to call a "Christmas" tree a "holiday" tree, the Coffee Bean Corral never would. They also had a link to the, ‘real story of Christmas’.
The Atheologist quickly shot out the following email informing them of their serious transgression.

Hello to everyone at the Coffee Bean Corral, I was at first delighted to see that you celebrate the holidays by telling the real story of Christmas. But then I read about how you refuse to call a “Christmas tree” a “holiday tree”. Any true Christian would know that the ritual of decorating a tree or God forbid, bringing one into the house, is a Pagan practice and forbidden by God.

The Atheologist then suggested that if in fact they were real Christians at the Coffee Bean Corral, they should pay more attention to what was written in the Bible, repent and maybe cutting down on their caffeine ingestion would help.The Atheologist quickly received this reply from one Terry A. Richards of the Coffee Bean Corral:

"Last evening I went to Jeremiah and read this passage. At the time this happened the people were taking the tree inside and worshipping the tree as their god. I only worship one GOD and he is the true GOD.
I have no need to repent at least not concerning a tree."

Oh really Terry “A.” Richards. Does the “A” happen to stand for atheist or antichrist? Which is it?

The Atheologist urges all of you good and true Christians who wish to remain good and true to never bring any sort of shrubbery into the house and never, ever call a "holiday" tree a "Christmas" tree. Jesus will thank you for it and possibly not send you to hell. (Where to leave the gifts will be Santa's problem.)

PS: Some people suspect that Jesus and Santa may be one in the same individual - the beards, last names starting with "C", both become very popular around Christmas time, they both love children…etc. The Atheologist believes that this is just a coincidence though, and would much rather be on Santa’s naughty list than be on Jesus’. The Atheologist can deal with a lump of coal in his stocking or lousy gifts from Santa as opposed to having Jesus send him to hell to burn and be tortured for ever and ever for all eternity, (because he loves me).

The Atheologist

A Beautiful Service

This past weekend the Atheologist had the pleasure of attending a wedding of the son of a friend and neighbor. The highlight of the ceremony was not when the pastor pronounced the happy couple man and wife, or when he explained to the blissful pair that the only way to have a happy marriage is to make, not each other, nor your children, but Jesus #1 in your lives, no it was prior to that when a close family friend read a great verse from scriptures. It is from Ephesians 5:22-33:

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing…”

As the words were leaving the reader’s lips, the Atheologist noticed husbands in the pews elbowing their respective wives, most likely making sure that they were paying attention.
But the Atheologist noticed that not every husband in attendance was smirking or elbowing their respective Mrs.
Were these husbands not paying attention or could they have just been non believing atheists who somehow snuck into God’s house unnoticed? The Atheologist wondered if these and other atheists had any chance at having a long and happy marriage without the guidance that God provides through his holy rule book.

Then a strange thought popped into the Atheologist’s head - is it possible that some of them were now thinking to themselves that maybe this religion stuff had something going for it after all? Would this simple verse from scriptures suddenly open their eyes? God does work in mysterious ways and anything is possible.
So all you atheists out there, read the Bible. There’s a lot of stuff in it. All of you non-atheists, find an atheist to read the Bible to, they will really appreciate it.

Here are a few of the Atheologist’s favorite Bible parts concerning women: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:12-14 and Deuteronomy 21:11-14.

The Atheologist

Ohio Christian School Tells Student To Skip Prom

A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school in Findlay Ohio, that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, principal Tim England said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend tomorrow’s Findlay High School's prom.
Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year said principal Tim England, and he continued:

“When Tyler made the agreement with the school and God, he knew all about the terrible temptations that the secular world would unload upon him. We are only looking out for him. Those secular heathen atheistic students, who attend that secular atheistic heathen school, are very adept at dancing, kissing, alcohol drinking and sex. Tyler’s lack of experience in those areas would cause him great embarrassment and distress. We all know how narrow-minded those who attend those types of schools can be and wish to shield him from the unnecessary humiliation. Besides, although this so called, ‘prom’, will be under adult supervision, the so called supervisors are of course most likely, heathen, evil atheistic nonbelievers who are not worthy to stand before the Lord, and are therefore, by definition highly intolerant of those of us with much higher morals. And mother's day is coming up, so, happy mothers, day to all of you mothers out there; even Tyler’s skanky girlfriend’s mother”.

This situation is obviously based on similar incidents taken from the movie 'Footloose', and the Atheologist hopes that everyone sticks to the script so that a happy Hollywood ending will bring it to a close.

The Atheologist

Oy, Please Don’t Call It, the ‘Swine’, Flu

The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed "Mexican" influenza out of respect to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.
Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and "we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu," he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.

The Atheologist was deeply touched by Yakov’s concern for his Muslim brothers, after all how many Muslims are there in Mexico anyway? Besides, most Mexicans are followers of that declining religion that the Atheologist’s previous post touched upon. Those Catholic pork eaters seem to have overlooked that part of the Bible, Leviticus 11:1-3, which strictly forbids eating pork and even the watching of Porky Pig cartoons.

According to the Atheologist’s copy of, ‘Christian Rules and Regulations’, Christians are supposed to be Christlike. If Jesus did it, they do it. If He didn't they don't. That being the case, the Atheologist does seem to remember something about Jesus feasting on Chinese spare ribs and pork fried rice at the last supper, (or was it lamb). Alas, a quick search of the New Testament did not confirm any of this so the Atheologist may have come upon that one in one of his many Jesus dreams.

Here are some questions that the Atheologist has for Yakov -

Is this Canadian farmer actually a Mexican?

Where the hell is Madonna and her magic Kabbalah water when you need it?

Is the Hippo flu the cause of obesity in the USA?

Is the name, ‘Mad Cow Disease”, offensive to Hindus?

How about, ‘West Nile Virus’, is it offensive to Egyptians?

Does the term, ‘Lyme’, disease disrespect Margarita drinkers?

Why have the Atheists been so silent on this issue, is it their fault?

Is it safe to eat Jews? Some of them do look very appetizing.

The Atheologist

P.S. The saying, “when pigs fly” may now be obsolete now that, pigs flu”, sorry.

Doubts

On the suggestion of a good friend, the Atheologist rented the movie “Doubt”, and while most NAMBLA members were probably disappointed with the lack of particulars in the relationship between the Priest and the young vivacious black boy, the Atheologist did enjoy the movie.

The Atheologist happened to attend a Catholic school which was very similar to the one depicted in the film, though being fleet of foot, had no problem outrunning a horny priest or two.

The movie though did remind the Atheologist of some of the tremendous problem facing the Catholic Church today: The dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood, the large number of Catholic school closings due to the significant drop in the elementary school population, the clergy sexual abuse scandal, the new movie “Angels and Demons”, the old movie “The Da Vinci Code”, attacks by “The Family Guy”, the Swine Flu, cannibalism…etc.

The Atheologist has some suggestions for the Catholic Church which may help to reverse this frightening trend:

(1) How about bringing back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Anyone should be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just, “plain Janes”, whose mothers never taught them about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.

(2) Priests need better costumes too -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I have no, 'doubt', that plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."

(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen those old-time movies knows that heartwarming, "top of the morning to you", stuff is essential.

(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls’ robes to show a little thigh, add some 4 inch pumps, and I don't 'doubt' that'll double church attendance in no time flat.

(5) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire before you start drooling uncontrollably and you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud?

(6) Don’t limit the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking red wine during the Eucharist. A good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference. Suggestion: a nice shot of grappa or Patron with a Prosecco chaser.

(7) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation, who now regularly fall asleep during service, would no 'doubt' have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their lifelong profession.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist has no, ‘doubt’, that the Catholic Church could steal a number of faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

The Atheologist

Christians Rumble At Birthplace Of Christ

Greek Orthodox and Apostolic Armenian priests were caught not acting very Christianly towards one another on Thursday. The priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Bethlehem Church of the Nativity where Christians believe Jesus was born.

The fight appeared to have started over a disagreement on who Jesus loves more, the Greeks or the Armenians.

The Armenian priests claimed that because Armenia was the first country to adopt Christianity as the state religion, (the US is #2), Jesus had a warm place in his heart for the Armenians. The Greek priests countered with their argument that because the Greeks invented the hula hoop, Jesus of course loves them way more.

The arguing then escalated with screams of, “idiots’, “morons", “Trojan trickers”, “genocide propagandists”, Turk lovers", “fudge packers”, "Uozo drinking rats" …etc. The brooms, fists and stones then started flying like crazy. Up to 80 bearded holy men wearing dark robes became embroiled in the fight. Several people were injured before the Palestinian police broke it all up.
A good time was had by all!

But a few Jews watching, could not decide on whom to spit on.

The Atheologist

Muslim Attacks Christians On Subway for Poor Jew-Hating Skills

Friday night, four Jewish subway riders who wished other people "Happy Hanukkah" were pelted with anti-Semitic remarks before being beaten, police and prosecutors said. A Muslim man, Hassan Askari -- a student from Bangladesh reportedly joined the fracas and began attacking the attackers. Onlookers reported that the Askari seemed upset at the passionless anti-Semitism being used by the group of Christian attackers.

As he pummeled the Christians Askari was reportedly heard shouting:

"How dare you hate on this Jew! That is solely the right of Allah's chosen people! Foul infidels, you are not worthy to feel contempt for this offspring of pigs and monkeys! You should be trying to push him into the sea, not hurt his feelings! I spit on you and jihad in your general direction!”

and he continued with:

"You insult one stupid little Jew holiday and call that Jew-hating? You couldn't hate a Jew on the Jew-hatingest day of your life if you had an electrified Jew-hating machine! I could hate more Jews in five minutes than you could in your entire lifetime. And speaking of five minutes, that's how long it's been since I finished riding your mother, who - by the way - confided in me at the height of passion that she's deeply disappointed by your bumbling and grotesquely inept Jew-hating."

The Atheologist has heard the saying: ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’, but there must be more that goes with it, something like, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless he is too much of a pussy to be a really good enemy to my enemy’.

The Atheologist

Atheist Crucifixes Pulled From Church Gift Shops

Saint Patrick's Cathedral and Trinity Church in New York City, pulled crucifixes from their gift shops today after it was alleged in a report by the National Labor Committee, that they were manufactured in Communist Chinese Atheistic Sweatshops.
The report alleged that the crucifixes come from a factory in Guangdong, China, where women, some as young as 15, who know nothing about Jesus, work more than 90 hours a week for about 26 cents an hour, (less than half of China's minimum wage). The crucifixes, which cost as little as $1.40 to produce, are sold in church gift shops for $17.95. (American Capitalists pay attention; a 1200% markup is very impressive indeed.)

Just how many of these heathen crucifixes have been sold to unsuspecting Catholics, Episcopalians and other Christians is anybody’s guess. Have these crucifixes been tested for lead? Do Christians risk getting brain damage every time they kiss these crucified Jesuses?

The Atheologist suggests a trade embargo be implemented against China, ASAP!! The embargo that the US has against Cuba since 1962 has successfully prevented the importation of Sweaty Cuban Communistic Crucifixes into our great nation. China is just another one of those Communistic Countries that Jesus has warned us about.

The Atheologist

OJ and JC in LV

Yesterday, the Atheologist and a co-worker, (we’ll call him ‘Joe’), were watching CNN when coverage of OJ Simpson’s release from prison, (after the alleged Las Vegas hotel incident), suddenly eclipsed all other news items. As we stared at the screen together, ‘Joe’, suddenly started screaming at the television set. Most of Joe’s vocal outburst is not suitable for young readers and won’t be documented here. And when the Atheologist switched the channel to FOX ‘news’ and he saw the split screen coverage of OJ’s vehicle making its way through the streets of Las Vegas, he really lost it.

Now the Atheologist totally understood how ‘Joe’, was feeling, but he and others like him must understand that the American news media will never deprive the American people of news stories that really matter. ‘Joe’, was probably concerned that he would be denied news of the latest thing to go in or come out of Paris Hilton’s mouth. Did Britney get wasted and puke again? What about K-Fed? Did Michael Jackson really kill JonBenet Ramsey? Is JLO's ass getting bigger? And did Joey Buttafuoco molest the Olsen twins again?

No, ‘Joe’, needn’t worry when the latest OJ incident, (clip here), temporarily overshadows other equally or even more important news stories such as the ones mentioned above. Our great professional American journalists are experts at prioritizing news stories and always make space for the important ones.

What Joe may also not realize is what MSNBC, CNN, FOX and all the other major news outlets were most likely looking for as OJ made his exit from the slammer. What they and the Atheologist were hoping to see was the slightest hint of what has become a common occurrence with many celebrities when they have been caught in sticky situations. Did or didn’t OJ find Jesus during his short stint in jail? Has he accepted JC as his personal savior, the way that he accepted, and was saved by another ‘JC’, the late Johnnie Cochran, the last time that he found himself in a pickle?

Alas it was not to be; there was no crucifix around his neck, no Bible in his hand. Did he forget Jesse Jackson, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, Michael Vick and the many others who have invoked the name of God or Jesus in their times of need, and times of good fortune?

Ever since Mother Theresa lost Jesus and became an Atheist, it seems to be very easy for a public personality to locate him. Did he even look? Maybe he’s hoping that Johnny will be rising from the dead in time to save him once again.

As a side note, Johnny Cochran’s final words are rumored to be:

“Tumor in your head? Man, soon you'll be dead” or “If my heart don't beat, cover me with a sheet” or "If the body don't stir, you must inter" to which God replied: “If you help a double murderer,
heaven's a whole lot furtherer”.

The Atheologist

World Breastfeeding Week 2007

As many of you know the week of Aug. 1st to the 7^th is world breastfeeding week. There are many arguments favoring breastfeeding, among them are: Mother's milk has just the right amount of fat, sugar, water, and protein that is needed for a baby's growth and development. Most babies find it easier to digest breast milk than they do formula. Breast milk has antibodies in it to help protect infants from bacteria and viruses and to help them fight off infection and disease. Human milk straight from the breast is always sterile. Breastfeeding saves times and money. You do not have to purchase, measure, and mix formula, and there are no bottles to warm in the middle of the night. Breastfeeding also helps a mother bond with her baby. Physical contact is important to newborns and can help them feel more secure, warm and comforted. Nursing uses up extra calories, making it easier to lose the pounds gained from pregnancy. It also helps the uterus to get back to its original size more quickly and lessens any bleeding a woman may have after giving birth. Breastfeeding also may lower the risk of breast and ovarian cancers…etc.

The Atheologist has always been an advocate of breastfeeding and now a brave Muslim leader has had the courage to come out and issue a fatwa on adult breastfeeding.

In his fatwa, Dr Atiya, the head of al-Azhar's Department of Hadith, said such teachings could equally apply to adults. He said:

“…if a woman fed a male colleague directly from her breast at least five times they would establish a family bond and thus be allowed to be alone together at work. Breast feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage, a woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breastfed."

How cool is that!! I don’t know of many men who would have a problem with that, do you? (Of course the lesbian community is up in arms, but pay them no mind.)

It’s no wonder that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world today, (not counting Key West, San Francisco and New York’s Fire Island of course).

Sign me up!

The Atheologist

Does Jesus Like Big Butts?

A new diet which emphasis improving health as a pathway to serving god is catching on for growing number of black women.
SisterTalk is one such program in which religious themes, most of which, use the experiences and teachings of Jesus Christ and other bible figures to provide support in their, ‘get healthy and lose weight’, lessons. Sandra Moseby, along with her mother Frances, a participant in SisterTalk explains:

“We know that we all fall down, but we’re motivated by the lessons and by each other to get up again”

With obesity being the national crisis that it has become in America, the Atheologist figured that any attempt to reverse the trend would be welcomed, but The Atheologist has found one group that is opposed to this holy approach to health, (and surprisingly it was not the Atheists), it was black men. It seems that black men love for their women to have some junk in their trunks and there seems to be a growing opposition to programs such as SisterTalk. ‘The Big Sista Lovas Association’, is one such organization. It’s spokesman and head of operations, ‘Jaycee’, explains:

“It’s just ridiculous that’s all. If our females start baking their chicken instead of frying or forget how to make sweet potato pie or stop dropping a fatty ham hock into our collard greens that would upset me and Jesus too! Allow me to explain. Since it has been definitively proved that Jesus was a brother, he would most undiscrutably want our sisters to cook traditional soul food. You see, Jesus never got married or even had a girl friend because back in the Bible days there was no soul food or even any KFCs around. People be eatin figs and dates and nuts and shit and the sisters couldn’t be putting on any weight like that. Jesus couldn’t find a woman with any meat on her bones so he remained bachelorized for his whole life. F*#k SisterTalk, if our sisters sit around and talk, then they can’t eat and if they don’t eat then they will start to shrivel and their butts will disproportionably start to shrink away. We have enough of those skinny black women around like Halle Berry and Tyra. We gots to put a stop to this nonsense!”

The Atheologist has found that, (According to the American Obesity Association), obesity rates are the highest among blacks and Latinos. Research compiled in a 2006 Harris Interactive survey, found that 80 percent of adult black women and 67 percent of adult black men are overweight and studies suggest these numbers are rising. Those are alarming numbers; hopefully Jesus will change his attitude real soon.

The Atheologist

Possible Atheist Killed At NJ Turnpike Rest Stop

A 75 year old man was killed today at a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop for refusing to buy a religious CD.

Why did the man refuse to purchase the CD? Was it because he was an Atheist, or was he simply a little short on cash? The Agitated Atheist has his take on it, here, and a movie recommendation too.

The Other Atheists' Nightmare - The Pickle?

Most of us remember the original "Atheists' Nightmare", in the video that introduced us to the team of Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, and astounded us all.
Well, one of the Atheologist’s west coast sources, (while scrounging through the dumpster behind the Living Waters Publications creative design headquarters), has come across and provided to the Atheologist what looks like a transcript to a new, “Way of the Master” video. The heading on the transcript is, “The Pickle, The Atheists’ Nightmare”.

Here’s an excerpt:

Ray: Kirk, take this and hand me that jar of pickles. (Ray hands Kirk the opened can of sardines, accidentally spilling some oil.)
Kirk: Oh, gross! That stinks!
Ray: Sorry Kirk, unlike the sardine can, which was obviously designed by man who sometimes manufactures it with a pop tab, sometimes with an unwieldy key that has to be fitted onto the protrusion just right and sometimes with no means to open it at all and having to rely on a can opener which is usually no where to be found, the pickle jar has a large top which its creator, almighty God has designed to perfectly fit the adult human hand. The human hand needs to only provide a moderate amount of torque and bingo it is opened! (Opens pickle jar). Please note that we are talking about the half-sour pickle here, not the kosher dill version that has been tampered with by our hell bound Jewish friends. As one removes a pickle from the jar, (removes a pickle from jar), notice that even though it is still wet it does not slip out of my hand, that is due in part to the little bumps put there by its creator, almighty God. Now along with the bumps, the rest of the outer casing of the pickle is entirely edible with the exception of the stem, which the Lord in his infinite wisdom has composed of 100% biodegradable matter. (Placing pickle up to Kirk’s lips.) Take a taste Kirk.
Kirk: I’d love to. (Taking a bite of the pickle, some pickle juice dribbles down to his chin.) It's so crispy and firm.
Ray: Yes it is Kirk. Notice that almighty God has designed the pickle, to fit perfectly into the human facial orifice, or mouth, as it is commonly known. We all just witnessed Kirk so effortlessly confirm that, although he does needs to work on his gulping technique. (Kirk and Ray giggle and chuckle together.)………

As in the video with the first, "Atheists’ Nightmare", (despite the fact that this is only a written version), the Atheologist can’t help but feel the chemistry and camaraderie between Kirk and Ray. The Atheologist hopes that if this, “Pickle” video, ever makes it into production it will not cause the same side effects that the, “Banana” video did.

The Atheologist

Here's a pickle video that was probably not produced by Living Waters Publications, (but you never know).

The Agitated Atheist: Why I Am Agitated

The Atheologist will at times have guest posters who will share their views on subjects related to atheism. Today the Agitated Atheist, who has a brand new blog, is the Atheologist’s guest poster:

Why am I agitated?

Here’s an example of how an average even tempered atheist can become agitated and angry, (it may look like I’m picking on the Christians but at the moment, in the good old USA, they are the group most likely to agitate):-
How about when some worn out former homecoming queen piece of crap trailer trash with two teeth, from the Inbred High School choir spews some hateful, vile shit like, “u r gonna go 2 hell 2 burn 4 ever b cuz Jeesus luvs u", and this waste of a human life actually also has the nerve to act surprised when you get pissed at her for screwing with you. Things like this can agitate and make atheists angry.

Atheists usually have a good reason when they become angry. A large percentage of Theists don’t even know what an atheist is. For those morons who are interested – an atheist, for the most part, is someone who sees no evidence of a supernatural being or god and therefore sees no reason to believe in one. No, we don’t, “hate God”, eat our children or worship the devil as many of you dimwits have been told. And we are usually smarter and morally superior than you religious kooks. That’s right – look it up in your Bibles if you can read.

The truly angry people are the ones who run around vomiting mindless hateful crap like Theists do to atheists every day. The depraved crap that Theists spit out every day would put Hitler to shame - "Come believe in and worship this loving being who has ordered his people to commit rape, mutilation, genocide, torture, child abuse, kidnapping, slavery, and murder - or our wonderful loving god will send you, the child he so dearly loves, to eternal torment." Again, read your Bibles!

The Agitated Atheist? You bet your ass I'm agitated! But I only become that way when I get openly attacked day after day and year after year by "loving people" who follow this "loving god" and who spew out crap at me which I could never hope to compete with when it comes to anger, hate, intolerance, and bad will towards mankind. The only reason that we atheists are frequently angry is because Theists are so frequently attacking us while running their mouths in high gear and their brains in low gear. ! I'm agitated and angry because you idiots are so un-believably infuriating, you walking, talking piles of horse crap!

The Agitated Atheist

Year Of The Pig

Today is the start of the 15-day Chinese New Year celebration, the year of the pig. The Atheologist is still wondering why China’s state-owned television network, CCTV, has banned images and references to the pig in all advertising. If the officials at CCTV had asked the Muslim community for their input they may not have instituted the ban. While the Koran clearly allows a husband to beat his wife and unmistakably forbids any eating of pork products, after extensive searches, the Atheologist can find nothing in the Koran or even The 9-11 Commission Report, which prohibits images of, or using the word, pig, by Muslims.

That’s Allah folks.

As a side note, pigs in China do not eat Muslims and regard them as unclean animals.

The Atheologist

Don't Judge A Website By Its Title

The percentage of atheists and nonreligious people in the USA is estimated at somewhere between 14-15% of the population. Now most people would think that atheists would be happy with that number but it seems that they are not. The Atheologist has come across a website called the, "Joyful Heart Renewal Ministries", which pretends to be a Christian one. Looking at this part of the website, we see an handbook which probably explains, judging from the cover, what to do with a follower of God after you have bound their legs and raised his or her hindquarters in the air. It is available in - E-book format for $8.95, or in printed formatfor $11.50 (plus shipping). When one delves a little more into this internet scam, (as the Atheologist did), one finds that it is actually an atheist website in disguise. Its atheist director, Ralph F. Wilson, (if that is his real name and picture, the, ‘F’, probably stands for fibber), has hidden amongst the seemingly innocent stories and articles, one page which lets the cat out of the bag. It is entitled, “Ten Tips for Raising a Darling Heathen Child”. The Atheologist has reprinted it in its entirety:

Ten Tips for Raising a Darling Heathen Child
by Dr. Ralph F. Wilson

Even if you're a klutz at do-it-yourself projects, you'll be able to accomplish this, though don't expect to produce heathen kids overnight. If you can raise your child as a heathen for the first twelve years or so, you'll probably have achieved your goal. Just follow these ten simple steps:

1. Remove prayer from your home. The schools have taken the lead here, so your kids won't expect prayer at meals or at times of family crisis. Just make sure that you never pray in front of your children. If they see you bowing to a higher power it might make them feel somehow weak, inferior--as if they did not control their own destinies.

2. Keep a Bible around. Now this may surprise you. While you must ban prayer, don't ban the Bible. Keep a copy on the shelf--a high shelf. This is how you can appear open-minded while preserving the Bible as a closed book. To keep your kids heathen, however, you must never read to them from the Bible. "Seen not heard," is the safest rule. Bible story books--especially ones with attractive pictures--are dangerous, too. There's a chance your child might pick one up by accident and ask you to read stories out of it. Don't allow one in the house.

3. Plan family events for Sunday mornings. This way your children won't have any excuse for going to church with their friends. Don't let your children hear the phrase "The Lord's Day." Instead, say something like, "Sunday is my only day off," or "Sunday is the only day I get to sleep in," or "Sunday is the only day our family can do things together." Before you know it, your child will be permanently trained to think selfishly about Sunday mornings, and will be very unlikely to be found in church.

4. Try to have your child attend a wedding held in a church. That way your child can never say, "I never went to church when I was a child," like so many children say these days. But be careful. There's a chance he might hear prayers and become confused. It might be better to arrange for him to come to the reception only.

5. Spice up your family vocabulary with occasional references to God damning someone. That'll help the children think God is angry at people and only wants to condemn them. Some families have found it helpful to say "hell" when they're angry so the child will associate it with swearing instead of a real place. Using "Jesus!" and "Christ!" and "God!" as expletives is also quite effective in inoculating your child against the Christian faith.

6. Block Christian broadcasting from your television by reprogramming your VCR's scanning menu or insisting that the cable company doesn't transmit those kinds of stations to your home. Be extra careful, though, to monitor your child's viewing so she doesn't accidentally watch a Billy Graham Crusade or something equally dangerous. A good substitute might be "The Simpsons," or some other character-building cartoons.

7. Don't invite grandparents or other relatives to your home without first making sure they won't talk about Jesus or God. Tell them that all families have rules, and your home is designed to be "religious values neutral." It would also be a big mistake to let your children stay with their grandparents if they are known to engage in any of the above taboo activities. Perhaps the children could meet with Christian grandparents for a supervised visit in a park. But letting your children visit for a day or more is just too risky.

8. Separate moral instruction from religion. It's all right to tell your children the difference between right and wrong, just so long as you don't tell them that God is against stealing or killing or lying. That way it will be easier for them to adopt an "everything is relative" belief system which won't inhibit their lifestyle as teenagers and adults.

9. If your child asks to attend church, tell her proudly that when she is eighteen she can make her own decisions, but while she is in her impressionable years you don't want to expose her to any pressure for or against God. Tell her that you are a politically correct parent. That you believe in separation of church and state, and that you only want what's best for her.

10. Train your child to say "Protestant" when asked his religion. Don't bother to explain it. "Agnostic" or "atheist" or "heathen" might be more accurate, but people could consider you a bad parent. And it's best to avoid using the term "Christian" because it includes the name of Christ in a non-swearing context, which might raise questions in your child's mind.

If you do these things, you can almost be guaranteed a heathen child. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that when she's in trouble, your daughter won't know how to pray. And she won't have adopted those narrow Christian values either. She won't even have a clue to what "sin" is. She will be able to do almost anything without feeling guilty, so she is likely to be healthy psychologically. And, even if she catches the mildest dose of Christian values, it is certain that she won't be able to transmit the Christian faith to her children. Enjoy. Utterly heathen grandchildren will be a cinch.
You'll notice that nearly anybody can raise a heathen child, almost without trying. Some vigilance is required, however.
If you just can't resist your child pestering you to let him go to church, absolutely refuse to go with him. Drop him off at the door if need be, but don't go in yourself. It is vital that he sees church as something for children only, and that intelligent adults like his parents don't need religion as a "crutch." Be aware, however, that even letting your child in a church could ruin the entire heathen training program. A child who learns about Jesus could become a joyful, happy, values-indoctrinated Christian. He might infect brothers or sisters, as well. Letting your child attend church, even by himself, is much frowned upon by enlightened parents these days.
Now score yourself. Give yourself 10 points for each of the steps you have under pretty good control. If you've racked up at least 40 points, pat yourself on the back. You're well on your way to rearing a darling heathen child.

This kind of intuitive thought and deep investigative skills is what sets apart the Atheologist from his other less significant peers. This finding reminds the Atheologist of the unearthing of another not so honest individual, here, last year.

The Atheologist